Sex Ed in Higher Ed

College instructor teaching human sexuality rants about the dumbing down of America, the lost art of manners, grammar and (the perfect combination of both) the thank you note. Also includes random rants about life, pet peeves, and sometimes raves about favorite things.

Monday, June 19, 2006

How I Met My Husband: Part II in a Series

As promised, Part Deux.

Now, don't go thinking for one minute that this is the story of how I met Mr. J. Oh, hell no! I've got nearly a dozen freakish tales to tell.

Blind Date #2: Bitter Divorced Man Whose Wife Left Him for Another Woman.

I was friends with a woman named Diana. She had gotten pregnant pretty young (20, I think. Sigh. At least I'll always have a job) and married her husband who had been her boyfriend since she was 14 and he was 17. They had a troubled marriage. To say the least. And, since she went to college later in life, she had this sort of mystical fantasy idea of what college friends might be like - very The Big Chill, you know? Her husband's best friend from high school was going through a divorce and had just moved back to town from out of state to get his life sorted out. Diana was beyond thrilled. "What if you and Jim really hit it off, and Jim and Joe are best friends and you and I are close friends and the four of us could do lots of things as a couple and I'd finally have the wonderful dinner parties I've always wanted."

I must have been going through a social dry spell, because if someone says she wants to fix you up so she can finally have her dinner parties, there is just one thing to do: Run. Screaming loudly, in the opposite direction. But, you know, I hadn't had a date since FBI guy and how could Jim be any worse? So Diana arranged it.

We met at this cute little tavern. Diana and Joe picked me up at my place and we planned to meet Jim there. Interestingly, Jim was also late. There is a theme here. In order for anyone to be in a relationship with me, they must understand that I am the chronically late one, okay? Me. There's only room for one spoiled brat in a couple and that brat is me.

Anyway, Jim finally showed up and the minute I laid eyes on him, all I wanted to do was kick Diana in the shins, really, really hard. Brief summary: All denim, all the time. Jeans. Denim shirt. Unbuttoned (I kid you not. I am not making this shit up) 3 buttons down. EEEK!! It was bad. So, I gave myself my mental, "Don't be so judgmental. Books, covers, etc., etc., etc.," speech.

Introductions, blah, blah, blah. We went to dinner. Joe and Jim spent the entire meal reminiscing about high school. I hated high school. You do not get on my good side by reminiscing about high school. And it was that really obnoxious reminiscing with lots of high-fiving across the table (Note: we were in a nice little bistro - not Burger King. Although what with all the talk about Stubby and Smitty and Bubba and Jimbo and Tim-Tim, and all the high-fiving, it did feel a bit like a Friday night after the big game). Diana and I tried to have our own conversation, but we were sitting across from each other and it was really distracting because every three minutes, a high-five was going off in my face. And every story was the same: Alcohol surreptitiously obtained. High five. Breaking and entering - usually a public facility - park, water tower, you get the picture. High five. Bodily injury. High five. Lies to parents. High five. Repeat, changing the type of alcohol from beer to Tequila or vice versa.

After dinner, I pulled Diana aside and begged her to fake a baby-sitter emergency so they could take me home. (The only good thing about this ridiculous date is that it made me create a future rule that always came in handy: I drive. Even if friends offer to pick me up. Always.) She begged me to hang out with them a little longer and just try to get to know Jim. I hadn't even really given him a chance, you know? Sigh.

We all went to hear some band. At some point Diana and Joe got in a monster fight. The band took a break. Rather than watch Diana and Joe trade insults, I decided to initiate a non-high-fiving conversation with Jim: (Warning: Direct quotes = major profanity to follow.)

me: Well, Diana tells me you have a daughter, Riley. She's 3, right?
Jim: It doesn't matter.
me: What?
Jim: It's only a matter of time before she realizes what a complete and total fucking whore her mother is. (Italics mine. WTF!?!??!!?)
me: Stunned silence.

Five minute pregnant pause ensues.

me: You know, I realize it's none of my business, but I hope for your daughter's sake that you and her mother can come to have a more amicable relationship. It's going to be really difficult for her growing up if --
Jim (interrupting): Oh, I'm not worried. I ain't done havin' babies yet.
me: Extra taser-stunned silence.

Another pause. Glares. Jim finally tries to end the stalemate by laughing. I interrupted Diana and Joe's fight. "Excuse me. I am feeling quite ill. I need to go home immediately." Jim said, "So, we're done here, right?" You bet your ass, we're done. From what Diana told me, he went to another bar, probably to find his next baby's mama. I went home and started calling everyone I'd ever met to tell them about this loser, because how could I not?



Anonymous mothergoosemouse said...

Holy crap on a stick. I read Parts I and II, and while I hate to be entertained by your dating woes, I'm already looking forward to Part III.

Dating. It's a jungle out there.

June 19, 2006 10:20 PM  
Blogger zygote daddy said...

So... third time's a charm, right? RIGHT? So what the hell did you manage to do in a former life that pissed off the universe so much???

June 20, 2006 1:01 AM  
Blogger Fraulein N said...

Gah! He has CHILDREN! Yes, plural, 'cause you know this loser has totally made (and left) some more babies since you last saw him. This dude is someone's FATHER! (And I use the term "father" very, very loosely, of course.)

No, seriously, think about it: what if Jim was your dad? I hate to say it, but Riley and her half-sibs are probably better off without this jackass in their lives.

I can't feel bad for any future potential baby mamas, 'cause at least Jim's not a closet asshole -- anyone who gets with this guy has to know what they're getting into. But won't someone think of the CHILDREN?!

June 20, 2006 8:01 AM  
Blogger ColoradoCastaway said...

My Dad's third wife left him for another woman, needless to say we were all a bit stunned but hey, WTF she needs to be happy right. LOL. My Dad did not however turn into a bitter asshole about it. He didn't like it but, then what are you gonna do anyway?

June 20, 2006 9:22 AM  
Blogger Veronica Mitchell said...

Yikes. Just yikes.

June 20, 2006 11:09 AM  
Blogger happychyck said...

Ew! That's all I can say. Yuck.

June 20, 2006 2:18 PM  
Anonymous Alexandrialeigh said...

Wow. I can't wait to hear about the other ones!

June 20, 2006 4:14 PM  
Anonymous Julie said...

And you tell it so well!

June 20, 2006 7:54 PM  
Blogger Sue said...

Oh, the head-to-toe denim is quite the visual. That would have sent me running for the hills, too.

I'm loving these dating tales. You are always interesting,!

June 20, 2006 8:52 PM  
Blogger Mrs. T said...

Question: Are you and Diana and Joe still friends? ha ha.
And don't you love, love, love hanging out with people that you DIDN'T go to hs with and listening to their tales of the good ol' days? Because you KNOW they peaked in like 10th grade. If nothing else, it makes for great entertainment for the rest of us. Keep 'em coming!

June 21, 2006 8:32 AM  
Blogger Art Nerd Lauren said...

I'm sorry, but anyone who wears head to toe denim is likely an a-hole anyway.

love these stories!

June 21, 2006 10:45 AM  
Blogger Schietto Sister said...

Please tell me you are exaggerating for comedy's sake. PLEASE!

June 21, 2006 3:31 PM  
Blogger liberalbanana said...

Wow. You deserve an award for going on that date. What a jackhole! I feel sorry for whomever he impregnated next.

June 21, 2006 3:47 PM  
Anonymous Vic said...

People like that should not be allowed to breed.

June 21, 2006 8:24 PM  
Blogger Fat Head said...

The joys of dating! I remember those days and I do NOT miss them at all. You have definitely had some doozies! Wouldn't it be great if you could publish a list of these bozos (as a way to warn other women) so they wouldn't have to experience the same thing?

I bet they'd thank you!!

June 22, 2006 9:47 AM  
Blogger desiree said...

*choking wail of disdain*


I hope the momma of his 3 year old left the damn country and changed her name. your date=fuck head

June 23, 2006 5:39 PM  

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