Sex Ed in Higher Ed

College instructor teaching human sexuality rants about the dumbing down of America, the lost art of manners, grammar and (the perfect combination of both) the thank you note. Also includes random rants about life, pet peeves, and sometimes raves about favorite things.

Monday, March 06, 2006

You Better Look the Hell Out

Mercury is in Retrograde. Wait, wait, come back!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't used to believe in Mercury retrograde having any effect on my life. Until a retrograde day in 2000. In one day, I:
  • Got the "I Love You" virus (Anybody remember that day? It was a bad day)
  • Spilled a cup of coffee all over some "storyboards"
  • Sat in a chocolate bar (while wearing a beige suit, of course)
  • Went to the hair dresser who convinced me to get a "body wave" and THEN?
  • Literally poked me in the eye, dislodging my contact lens, which then flew (my contact lens, not my eye) into a pile of hair on the floor. Although that would give the phrase "hairy eyeball" new meaning.

And then the very next (also Mercury retrograde) day I:

  • Cried and contemplated calling in sick to work (because of disastrous body wave), and
  • Wore two different shoes to work. Not on purpose. One black, one blue. The irony here? I didn't even notice until about, oh, 10:00 a.m. when I thought I was developing a slight limp and started wondering if I was finally inheriting my genetic legacy - osteoporosis, at age 29, and looked down and lo and behold, one shoe with a one inch heel, and one shoe with a three inch heel. And I was NOT drunk. I swear. It was just that kind of work environment, and I was just that crazy-distracted-busy. (Duh.)

So, I now know that Mercury is associated with all kinds of "communications" havoc. You're supposed to back up your files, watch out for personal misunderstandings, expect e-mails and faxes to mysteriously never arrive, etc., (Hell, look what happened to poor Amalah.)

But I've decided that Mercury retrograde just means all general hell breaks loose. And do you know how I know that? This weekend, I ran out of my expensive, please keep me fake blonde shampoo and was traumatized because my salon had already closed for the weekend and my husband suggested I use "Pert." And this irritated me greatly. Although I do not know why. Maybe because we don't have any Pert in the house and do they even make that shit anymore? And, even more indicative of Mercury-retrograde shenanigans, I have to teach tomorrow AND give a presentation in my qualitative class and seriously? I have a "blemish" (I'll be ladylike for one second) that looks like a fucking tumor. There is no covering this baby up. It is protruding from my chin, and boy, oh, boy, small children could take shade under it. I'm 35 years old. If that's not a bad cosmic joke gone wrong, I don't know what is.


Blogger Art Nerd Lauren said...

weird! I messed up my husband's computer, though not irreparably. My skin has also freaked the fuck out. Luckily, no presentation till Monday, I'm on spring break baby!! Now, I must go into work and probably not touch my computer for the whole day.

When does this end, by the way?

March 06, 2006 11:07 PM  
Blogger ColoradoCastaway said...

Maybe you can make your subject in class about the repression of the Pakistani women and wear one of those hood things with just the opening for your eyes, You can claim it's just to show the students what those women endure and noone ever has to know about your "blemish". Are you sure your blemish isn't your skin reacting violently at the mere thought of you using Pert?

March 07, 2006 7:21 AM  
Blogger Schietto Sister said...

So, did you use the Pert?

March 07, 2006 10:06 AM  
Blogger Teacher lady said...

Love the burqua idea. Freakin' Genius. Spring break girl, Mercury Retrograde ends on March 25. Here's a halfway decent link that explains more about it - even scarier than I thought!

March 07, 2006 10:12 AM  
Blogger ColoradoCastaway said...

Well, You learn something new everyday, I had no idea they were called a "burqua" but hey if it helps you out I've done my good deed for the day. Good luck making it through the retrograde. So far I don't think I have been adversely effected(knock wood). :)

March 07, 2006 10:49 AM  
Blogger liberalbanana said...

That article says, "The good things to do when Mercury is Retrograde: ...edit the book/poem/song/essay you've been to your pet...!" but it says that the whole phenomenon deals with communications getting messed up?? So the last thing you'd want to do is edit something you've been working hard on writing! You'd go back to it later and think, "Why the hell did I think it was a good idea to change my main character's name to Moo Moo McPhee?"

And talking to your pet? You might get the message wrong and inside of telling Minnie to STOP biting your husband, she might interpret what you're saying as "Bite him and bite him hard!" Did you say something to her in the last Retrograde? That could be part of your problem with her. :-)

March 07, 2006 12:29 PM  
Blogger Jess Riley said...

I'm sorry to hear of these chaotic events, but I certainly enjoyed reading them!

When does Mercury EXIT retrograde? I think I too am feeling the effects.

PS: Minnie the Biting Wonderdog is pretty cute. We have a Barking Wonderdog named Daisy.

March 08, 2006 5:24 PM  
Blogger Teacher lady said...

Hi Jess! Mercury Retrograde ends March 25 (I think.) Thanks for the compliment on MTBW. I will now wander over to your blog to look for pictures of Daisy the Barking Wonderdog.

March 08, 2006 10:00 PM  

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