The PITA award

My dear friend Courtney uses the acronym "P.I.T.A." to describe anyone who is consistently a pain in the ass. I think it would be a lot of fun (and also probably get me sued and/or fired) to give out PITA awards at the end of each semester. Even more entertaining would be for me to start a "PITA pool" at the beginning of each semester to see if I could accurately predict, based on a few initial interactions, which student would be the winner of the PITA award. History tells me, it's not that difficult to predict the winner.

We're now beginning the seventh week of the semester, and I think it's already clear - the PITA will go to a "team" for the first time ever. The inappropriate brother and sister will win the PITA for this semester. Why, you ask? Well, let's see. In the past two weeks alone, here are just a few of their myriad accomplishments:

• During our discussion of the "Love and Attraction" chapter, one of my male students asked why "chicks like guys who treat them like crap." I figured it wasn't appropriate for me to respond, "because they're still in their teens and twenties; give it another decade or so" and I posed the question back to the rest of the class. Inappropriate sister responds, "I think it's because people are looking for something in the wrong place. People have to realize they can't find fulfillment outside of themselves. They must always look to the Savior." Right. I forgot. I'm surprised the authors of our textbook failed to mention that. I wish I had the wits (and the guts) to have said, "Listen. Enough with the Jesus crap already. Oy Vey."
• Inappropriate brother strolled into the midterm exam with five minutes remaining. The classroom was empty (except for me and his sister, of course) and he said in his very Pauly Shore kind of way, "Hey, can I take the test?" Me: "Why did you almost miss the exam?" I'd like to think I'm not completely unreasonable. After all, I did listen to all those "scubba" diving stories one fall semester. Tell me something interesting - a kidney donation gone awry, your car got stolen, you got subpoenaed because you're a witness to a crime (also an excuse given to me by a very bright, but very messed up student), etc., But no. Inappropriate brother gets an "F" for effort. Ready for his excuse? "Just now woke up." As someone who will NEVER be a morning person and who REALLY, really, loves her beauty sleep, I can almost buy this. Except. It was 1:45 p.m. Even I can get up by noon, if it's really important.
• Sometimes, I like to think that I'm a really creative instructor who will actually have a positive effect on students' lives. Last week, I wrote dozens of what I considered "realistic" scenarios and had students practice role-playing realistic scenarios to demonstrate their communication skills (Chapter 8 is called Sexuality and Communication, if you must know.) Inappropriate brother and sister were in the same role play (of course.) They were assigned (randomly! I don't have a thing for self-flagellation) the scenario in which one person must explain to the other person that s/he has recently contracted HPV. I felt this was one of the most important role play scenarios because the rate of HPV in this country (particularly among college students) is just really, crazy-high. And what does inappropriate brother say during his role play? "Baby. I got somethin' to tell ya. I've got a little party in my pants." "A" for comedic effect. "F" for comprehension of sexually transmitted infections. Any moron who describes HPV (cause of genital warts and cervical cancer, by the way) as a "party in his pants" deserves the exact opposite of a party in his pants. Shoot me now, please. I'm failing miserably at my chosen occupation.
• After class one day, inappropriate sister asks me if it is normal that she can masturbate by crossing her legs and squeezing her thigh muscles together. I would say that MOST people worry that they are "not normal" and if you've seen the movie Sex, Lies, and Videotape, you know this isn't unheard of. However. She tells me that she does this in class. Great. That's taking "in-class participation" a little far, if you ask me.

Would it be wrong of me to present them with a CASE of pita bread at the end of the semester?