Until June

The semester is over and I will not have tales of angst and stupidity to share with you until I start teaching summer session in June.

To tide you over until then:

In addition to getting blown off by Inappropriate Sister on Friday, I was also blown off by the author of the two worst sentences ever written. She wanted to meet with me at 9:00 a.m. on Friday to discuss her papers. Unlike Inappropriate Sister, she at least called me at 9:30 a.m. to tell me she had a scheduling conflict.

Why do students do this!? At least once a semester I have a student blow me off who also calls me (at least half an hour after they were supposed to show up) to tell me, "I'm going to be late," or "I can't make it after all." Do they think I'm incapable of telling time? Or do they think that college instructors sit around next to our fireplaces, smoking our pipes, wearing our tweedy jackets with elbow patches, passing the time discussing Proust and therefore have no concept of time at all? If you're half an hour late and you're calling me to tell me you're late, I think it's safe to say I'm already in the know.

So worst author ever says, "I guess I'll have to stop by later this afternoon." Well, I have more than one or two jobs. Right now I have four. I told her it would not be possible for me to meet with her that afternoon. She was irritated. "Well, I need to meet with you today, because I'm graduating tomorrow (boy, and I thought I had a problem with procrastination!) and my family is coming in from Texas and I need to resolve this today." The rest of the conversation went like this:

Me: Is it something we could discuss now, over the phone?
WAE: Well, it's about my papers.
Me: Yes, I noticed you didn't take the opportunity to rewrite those two papers.
WAE: Well, I decided to write five reactionary reviews instead of four.
Me: Okay. Why would you do this?
WAE: I thought that instead of rewriting that one, I would write five and you could grade five and then just give me the four best grades.
Me: Hmm. Interesting. And no.
WAE: But why? They're already written.
Me: Well, since it's the last day of the semester, I don't really think it's fair. After all, I didn't offer the rest of the class the opportunity to write five papers instead of four.
WAE: (Clearly mad at ME! At ME!!!!) Sighs exasperatedly. I'm not asking for the points for all five papers (I can tell she'd love to add "duh!" to the end of this sentence.) All I'm saying is that I wrote five and you get to choose the best four. (What a treat for me! How can I be such an ungrateful bitch?!)
Me: Well, I do appreciate a sense of enterprise, but the answer is still no. Also, I have 50 finals to grade and about 25 reaction papers since your fellow students like to wait until the very last minute, so why don't you tell me which of the five you'd like me to grade.
WAE: (Heavy sigh). I guess the one about the rape counselor.
Me: Excellent! Well, congratulations to you and good luck!
WAE: Yeah. Click. (Hangs up!)

Oh, how I wish I could be a fly on the wall when this student gets her first "real job." Can you imagine the conversations with her future employers!?

• I thought you could pay me $50,000 a year for doing nothing for around 25 hours a week; or,
• I know everybody else comes in around 8:00 or 8:30, but I thought I'd come in at ten, noon or 1:00 p.m. - You get to choose which one, though, so you're still the boss! or,
• When should I take my vacation, do you think? All of June, all of July, all of August or all three? Also, I'm open to taking off November-January. Your choice.
• I decided to pay local, state or federal taxes. Just let me know which of those works best for you, okay? I'm a real team player that way.

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Remember the Groundhog's Day of papers? The SAME student turned in the SAME paper for a THIRD time with the SAME mistakes!!! The pile of blood, the "knelling" and the "wearingly" were still there! And I know (now that I have my trusty blog) that I addressed these mistakes at least once (probably twice.) What does "rewrite and resubmit" mean to you? Apparently to my students, it means print out a new cover page with the word "rewrite" typed on it and you're set. Boy, these kids think I'm just dumber than a box of rocks. Maybe it is time to return to my brunette roots (pun intended).

And finally, the semester wouldn't be complete without quotes from some papers. These aren't hilarious misspellings - these are just basically poorly constructed sentences that make no sense. The final three sentences are (of course), courtesy of Inappropriate Sister. Enjoy!

The Bible’s writings on relationships would be a very influential piece of reading as well as becoming a confident person.

One of the women Claire asked was an Avon Lady named Louise; she said that the only place she was familiar with women going to was a yellow house a few blocks away supposedly performed abortions.

The movie seemed to touch on another side of discrimination by hinting towards women’s contributions in the workplace often being overlooked because, (like in Anchor Man) the real news in found and reported by men, and women should report on the puppy fashion show at the mall.

But Kiki’s response was telling, because she is part of the symptoms of this societies ills towards our minority population, (that has made the U.S. a lucrative nation with 200 years of free labor), yet still receives the worst stigmas, and institutional racism that goes unnoticed because Affirmative Action and Welfare and one black Victoria Secret model has tricked us.

It is proven that people are more fulfilled when they are laying down their life to help then when they are self-obsessed; kind of like the Patch Adams theory.