What Year is It?
I didn't take Mr. J.'s last name. But this post isn't really about that and all the reasons I went that route. Maybe another time - or maybe not. This is about how in 2006, some people are still confused and shocked by my choice.
Monday morning, I went to a new doctor. I had to show up 30 minutes early to complete the paperwork. The first thing they asked for (of course) was my insurance card. Since Mr. J. isthe slave to the man gainfully employed, he has the good health insurance. So his name is on the card.
After I completed four hundred bazillion forms, I returned to the little drive-thru window thing to find the receptionist sticking a label on a file folder with my first name and Mr. J.'s last name. I was confused, because I made the appointment in my name, and I gave her my driver's license, which also has my last name. For the sake of this conversation, let's pretend my last name is Jones and Mr. J.'s last name is Smith.
me: Oops - um, that's my husband's last name you've put on my chart there. My last name is Jones.
Receptionist: Oh. When is the divorce final?
me: What?
Receptionist: Well, if the divorce is final, then you're probably no longer covered by his insurance.
me: I -- I'm not -- I mean, that's, there's no divorce, I just, my last name is Jones.
Receptionist: So, you're legally separated, then?
me: No, I'm - we're married.
Receptionist: What's your maiden name, then?
me: It's the name I have now, Jones.
Receptionist: (Sighing in exasperation) No, your maiden name means the name you were born with.
me: Right, Jones.
Receptionist: Silence. Stares at me like I'm being difficult.
me: I never took my husband's last name. I'm married. To him.
Receptionist: Oh, so Jones is the name of your first husband? Then I still need your maiden name.
me: I - uh - (thinking, how did she know I have a "first husband?" - Or maybe it was just a good guess.) No. Jones is my name. The one I was born with.
Receptionist: So, I need to make this chart with Jones on it, instead of Smith?
me: Right.
Receptionist: Says nothing, shakes her head and sighs, making a big deal of dramatically ripping the label off the file folder and typing a new label.
I'm sorry - what year is it? Is a woman not taking her husband's last name that mystifying? Never mind. I have my answer. I just thought we'd "come a long way, baby."
Monday morning, I went to a new doctor. I had to show up 30 minutes early to complete the paperwork. The first thing they asked for (of course) was my insurance card. Since Mr. J. is
After I completed four hundred bazillion forms, I returned to the little drive-thru window thing to find the receptionist sticking a label on a file folder with my first name and Mr. J.'s last name. I was confused, because I made the appointment in my name, and I gave her my driver's license, which also has my last name. For the sake of this conversation, let's pretend my last name is Jones and Mr. J.'s last name is Smith.
me: Oops - um, that's my husband's last name you've put on my chart there. My last name is Jones.
Receptionist: Oh. When is the divorce final?
me: What?
Receptionist: Well, if the divorce is final, then you're probably no longer covered by his insurance.
me: I -- I'm not -- I mean, that's, there's no divorce, I just, my last name is Jones.
Receptionist: So, you're legally separated, then?
me: No, I'm - we're married.
Receptionist: What's your maiden name, then?
me: It's the name I have now, Jones.
Receptionist: (Sighing in exasperation) No, your maiden name means the name you were born with.
me: Right, Jones.
Receptionist: Silence. Stares at me like I'm being difficult.
me: I never took my husband's last name. I'm married. To him.
Receptionist: Oh, so Jones is the name of your first husband? Then I still need your maiden name.
me: I - uh - (thinking, how did she know I have a "first husband?" - Or maybe it was just a good guess.) No. Jones is my name. The one I was born with.
Receptionist: So, I need to make this chart with Jones on it, instead of Smith?
me: Right.
Receptionist: Says nothing, shakes her head and sighs, making a big deal of dramatically ripping the label off the file folder and typing a new label.
I'm sorry - what year is it? Is a woman not taking her husband's last name that mystifying? Never mind. I have my answer. I just thought we'd "come a long way, baby."
posted by Teacher lady | 10:25 AM
21 Comments:
Pretty much the only reason I didn't hyphenate my last name is because idiots couldn't seem to file charts, etc in the right place. GAH! It's not uncommon, really!
And why didn't she trust that you did, in fact, know your own last name? I just don't understand!
My ex (long story with what should have been a predictable ending) had trouble dealing with the concept of taking my name. She always said she didn't want to be an "s" - as in Mrs. = Mr + s. Or Mrs. Andy Bussell. She saw it as symbolic of my ownership of her in society's eyes. I thought she was being a bit dramatic and that it's just a personal choice as to how you want to be referred. I didn't care. I wouldn't change my name. Why would anyone else want to change theirs?
Wow, that lady was mental. Can this seriously be the first time she's had to deal with someone whose last name is not the same as her husband's? That's ridiculous.
ooh, this was very interesting. what a difficult bitchy nurse. i think she just was threatened by the idea of a woman that "liberated" standing so close to her. ;)
How strange. How could anyone be so unfamiliar with a woman keeping her own name? Weird. Probably just feigning stupidity to cover her mistake putting the wrong name on the chart.
I took my husband's name for purely shallow reasons. I thought it was prettier than my own. He did not like my choice and grumbled about it for years. "I didn't marry Veronica Mitchell, I married Veronica Smith. I don't know who Veronica Mitchellis." Eventually he got over it.
Gaaaaah. I hate when people make errors and then try to act like you're the dummy. I also hate when women refer to themselves as "Mrs. John Smith." NO, ma'am, that isn't your name. If I look up "John Smith" in the database, guess who comes up? That's right, your husband. Who, by the way, is not you.
Ug, I have had this same exsperience. It always surprises me that people find this so hard to grasp in this day and age. This is partly why I decided to change my name with the baby on the way. I just thought it would be easier and I did not want anyone to question if it was my kid or not. Now I am just waiting for my worst fear, people calling me by Mrs John Smith. I hate that.
Yeah, people don't get it. I took my husband's surname, at least for the time I lived with him, and then swapped back to my name as soon as I could when I left him.
If I married again would I keep my name????.......... Not sure.
I know a guy who married and took his wife's surname. Now that messed with people's heads. Particularly anyone who tried to sell him insurance for some reason. His argument was that if women can do it as soon as they have a marriage certificate, then why not men?
Wow! That woman works with the public? Surely she has to deal with stranger situations than a woman who does not carry her husband's name. Bizarre.
Your sidebar reminded me of something I heard the other night - if a non-vegetarian thinks of themselves as an animal person, is that the same as a cannibal considering himself a people person? (Not the same in my books :o)
To Love, Honor and Dismay
I've never had something as bad as that, but I have a similar situation and I've been shocked at the amount of confusion it seems to create. The oddest was just last week, when we received the tax bill for our house addressed to Joshua Smith and Jennifer Smith. Our deed is in the name of Joshua Smith and wife Jennifer Jones. Our last year's tax bill was correct. Apparently they transferred data to a new system and the system assumed married = same last name. However, they politely corrected it when I wrote a note.
On the other end of the spectrum, I used to know a guy whose parents had met on a blind date when someone set them up because they had the same last name. He was always filling out forms that said "Father's Name: John Smith, Mother's Name: Mary Smith" and having people say "NO. Smith is NOT her maiden name" and he'd have to say "NO. Smith IS her maiden name. I know my mother's maiden name."
People with little jobs often need to exercise their huge power. I used to think if I went to hell I'd spend all eternity in the NYC Board of Education headquarters, dealing with endless paperwork.
Later, I married a woman fron South America, and had to deal with the INS. I quickly realize the Board of Ed. were rank amateurs. I'll spare you the specifics, but your receptionist would never make it in the big time. She sounds stupid enough, but her obnoxiousness is strictly bush league.
I, like so many others who have already commented, am truly amazed at this woman. Where the hell has she been living???? We know so many women who've kept their last names - I even know a couple that ended up taking both names- they are both hyphenated.
Personally, I wasn't that attached to my maiden name for a myriad of reasons that I'll go into on my blog, maybe, so I took my husband's name. But, I like knowing that I didn't HAVE to.
That is funny. Really really funny. Poor woman. She doesn't even realize she's dumb.
I didn't take my husband's name. He's Italian. We got marreid in Italy. No one takes their husband's name in Italy. Not for feminist reason, but because it would take so long to do all the paperwork that there is no point in doing it. The irony? I LOVE my husband's last name. It is the prettiest last name ever. Every once in awhile I consider doing all that paperwork just so I can have it for my last name too.
But I'm lazy. And so I've kept mine, and probably will.
Really blinkered thinking. Awful. How dare she?! (I think two consecutive punctuation marks are entirely merited there).
ROFL. Anytime I get exasperated with people who are slow like this, I just think of you...you are like a dumbass magnet! Gob bless ya.
I am so furious over things like this, I can't even comment anything else or I may burst into flames. Perhaps MS. RECEPTIONIST should just do her job without commentary.
I think that situation was more that you encountered an Absolute Idiot than anything to do with society today. I don't think it's so incredibly uncommon for wives to keep their maiden names to warrant her complete lack of comprehension!
Clearly, you didn't think you existed before you married Mr. J, did ya? Silly girl. . .
I work in a business where I need customer's mother's maiden names. I have had to explain atleast 50% of the time what that means. Most people just give me a blank stare when I say "the name your mother had before she was married." I cannot understand people who are fully funtioning grown adults who have never heard the phrase mother's maiden name before. Hence, on the one hand I would understand if said receptionist perhaps thought that you had it backwards but instead she was just being a bitch. I mean, how dare your husband let you out into public without taking his last name? For that matter, what was she doing outside the home? Why wasn't she in her place baking pies? There is a difference between clarifying something politiely with a person (which she did not) and just plain being a stupid idiot (which she was).
I know many women who have kept their last name. If we need something for identification purposes we start pulling middle names. It's not like you had a third eye growing out of your head. Sheesh.
I mess with them all. I kept my name AND took my huband's. My students call me Mrs. Married Name, but I introduce myself as Maiden Name Married Name. Partly because my father is very well known in my community and it helps that people make the connection, but also because a coworker said she didn't know who "Jane Smith" was, she certainly wasn't ready to try to figure out who "Jane Jones" was.
You really wanna mess with people? A friend has 3 kids, the two boys have her husband's last name and the girl has her last name.
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