Because It's Fun to Pretend I'm Fascinating

My separated-at-birth Virgo twin Shawnee is doing this very "personalized" meme/interview thing. I e-mailed her requesting interview questions and she wrote some! Just for me! However, this meme dies with me. I can barely answer my own questions; please don't expect me to write some for you. Plus, finals week approacheth. Yikes!!

Here we go. Get ready to be fascinated!

Name five "luxury items" that you could not live without. (i.e., not necessities such as food, water, air, wine or George Clooney. Although that last one may just be me.)

• Oh, gosh. There was a line in a movie/TV show/something once like, "Roughing it to you means staying at a hotel that doesn't have 600 thread-count sheets." I will pay a fairly hefty chunk of money for sheets if the thread-count is 400 or more. Mr. J. thought I was crazy when we first got married, but now I've got HIM hooked, too. It's like flying first class - once you've done it, you can't ever go back to coach.


• Regular eyebrow waxing treatments at the salon/spa. It's not fun, it's not that cheap (considering you're paying someone to rip your hair out by its roots), it's pretty painful but it beats the hell out of me stabbing my forehead repeatedly with tweezers sharp enough to kill a man.


• Burt's Bees lip balm. I've started buying multiple tubes so I've got one with me at all times, regardless of bag, wallet, what have you.


• Pedicures. Especially the sinfully indulgent ones that take an hour and use 27 kinds of soothing mint-scented Aveda products. Every woman should have one, if only to kick off sandal season.


• Ann Taylor pants. I am short. I have "birthing hips" (that will go completely to waste, but oh well). Ann Taylor (rest her soul) seemed to understand this. I can actually pull those pants up over my hips without the waist looking like it's six sizes too big.

What's your idea of a perfect weekend?

Is this a complete and total fantasy? Because then my idea of a perfect weekend would be one in NYC with tickets to have a dozen shows - the big, over-the-top ones like Lion King and anything that just won a Tony and of COURSE Avenue Q. And then food, wine and shopping. And maybe staying at the Plaza hotel. How's THAT?

If you could live anywhere on the planet, where would it be? What do you like most about where you live now? Least?

• Back to Hawaii, baby. I miss it in the same intense way you miss a person. I always hoped I'd end up back there eventually, but I don't think it's anywhere in the near future.


• I feel about 100 years old when I type this, but affordable housing? Minimal traffic? Near family and friends?


• Where do I start? Scary gun-toting extremists, crappy weather, lame suburban chain restaurants on every friggin' corner.

Which do you think is more likely to make you snap someday: a clueless college student, rude neighbors or random people sharing their unsolicited opinions of your choices?

Honestly, it's probably going to be a college student and it's probably going to be something small, like the student who is CONSTANTLY e-mailing me questions about what we discussed in class (because he'd rather nap when he's IN class) and never, ever, NOT once included a salutation and FORGET about e-mailing me back to say, "Thank you. I know you discussed this in class and I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me since I'm clearly a sleep-deprived idiot." Either that, or a really bad run-on sentence.

Name at least one secret guilty pleasure. (The Girls Next Door doesn't count, we know all about it!)

I am so embarrassed to even type this and I KNOW I'm going to lose about all 15 readers, but I am obsessed with this little pet boutique. I bought Minnie a pink collar with her name spelled out in GIANT rhinestone letters (she does look a bit like a pimp/rap-star now that I think about it). It was not cheap. In fact, it was borderline, "It is OBSCENE to spend that kind of money on an animal who couldn't care what her collar looks like and who enjoys eating Kleenex and grass." You can't exactly see it in this picture, because well, even I was too humiliated to make her hold her head up high enough so I could take a picture of it. I've also bought her boots (pink of course) and those went right back because they didn't go over well. I bought her a pumpkin costume (it was Halloween, okay?) which also did NOT go over well. Most recently, I bought her a pink polo shirt with white daisies embroidered on it and although I managed to get it ON her, she was far too humiliated for me to take a picture and now I'm trying to stop because I guess it's bordering on animal abuse. Uh, thanks for reading. Bye-bye, now!