Chock Full O' Rants
First I decided that it's because (sadly) my writing is rage-driven. Take me out of the classroom and you take away my rage and then: I got nothin' to say. But then I realized: I'm a very anxious, easily agitated person and I always have rage. Since I stopped teaching, the rage has become more widely dispersed. Instead of rage with all the focus of a laser beam, which is what I had when I was teaching, I have rage that is more like a goopy fog - sort of settling on everything in a thin layer. I can write about that. Who doesn't like to hear a crazy lady rant about every little thing that bugs her? (Wait, don't answer that.) Lately so much has been irritating me (big and small) that I think I've gotten to the point where I can't not write. It's a matter of preserving what little sanity I have left. Hence, I give you what I hope is the first small rant of many: The absolutely ridiculous fuckwits who came up with this list:
A preface: Mr. J. and I have both been on edge a bit lately about money – who knew insulation was so expensive? (Listen folks - if you live in a seventy-plus year old house, you think insulation in the attic is a luxury. And then you have your first night that's below 25 degrees and you realize it's about as much of a luxury as air. At least if you intend to climb out of bed from under two down comforters. And if you don't enjoy sleeping in a long sleeve shirt, a sweater and a hoodie with the hood pulled up. Not that I don't enjoy it, but the first time you wake up because you're suffocating it's kind of a buzz kill.) Plus, with the holidays, blah, blah, blah. Nothing that anybody else isn’t going through right now who isn’t named Rockefeller or Kennedy. That’s not what irritated me. Yesterday I was on the Internet looking for “cost-saving tips” and things like that. The first one I found was from Yahoo! Finance (I think. Or some financial magazine that links to Yahoo!). Who in GOB’s name is writing these and who is their audience? On the one hand, I never pay any attention to those “Make your own clothes”-type lists, because that ain’t gonna happen. It’s just not. This one was obnoxious and annoying in the opposite extreme:
Just a few little lifestyle changes and you’ll be amazed at how much money you’ll save!!! Here are our fabulous tips:
- Instead of getting your massage every week, get it every other week. Who is reading this? If you’re getting massages every week, do you really NEED cost-cutting tips? Me thinks not.
- Buy a used car instead of a new one! Done. Done, done, done. Is seven years old “used” enough for you people? Perhaps I should just build my own car out of old orange juice cans and sticks.
- Do your own landscaping or mow your own lawn instead of paying someone. Yeah, okay. I guess I’ll have to fire the lawn boy. Too bad because he was hot - just like that kid from Desperate Housewives.
- Go to matinees instead of evening movies. Let’s see . . . the last time I actually went to the movie theatre would have to be . . . I think I saw a movie in the theatre this summer, largely because I wanted to get out of the un-air conditioned house. Before that, I think I saw The Devil Wears Prada in the theatre. We rent DVDs and half the time I borrow them from the library.
- Keep your thermostat just a few degrees cooler in the winter and just a few degrees warmer in the summer. Well, we keep ours at 67 degrees. Is that “cool enough” for you, asshats? Did I mention that when we did have A/C we kept it at 80 degrees? That’s right, eighty degrees. As in, “What’s the point of having A/C” eighty degrees.
- Oh – and one that is not going to happen anytime soon: Stop coloring your hair! Gray is in. Yeah. I want to see the massage-getting, movie-theater-attending, new car driving woman who is also going to let herself go gray to save a few bucks. I’m guessing this list was written by a man.
- Don’t go to Starbucks every morning: Bring your own coffee. Who in the hell goes to Starbucks every morning?? If you go to Starbucks every morning, I am happy for you. As much as I love, love, LOVE my Pumpkin Spice latte, can't do it every day of the week.
- And one of my personal favorites: When you go out to dinner, eat dessert at home. Also, when going out to dinner have your first glass of wine at home. Well, considering Mr. J. and I usually go to places called “Bruce's Roadside Grill” or “The Corner Diner”, there’s not a whole lot of dessert-eating going on, period. Besides, other than never leaving our house, can we really save on a $20 dinner for two? (Mr. J. doesn’t drink.) Do we want to?
- Trade in your gas-guzzling SUV for a smaller more fuel-efficient car. Listen, peeps: I could not drive a smaller car unless I bought the McJunior Volkswagon Beetle/clown car you see at the circus. I am currently blessed enough to have a 12 mile commute to work and allowed to work from home 1-2 days a week. Although it might make sense for me to trade in my clown car for a bicycle and pedal to work in the freezing rain/ice/sleet/wintry mix, I do have to draw frugal the line somewhere. When I start using leaves I find in the backyard as a reasonable and free substitute for toilet paper maybe I'll think about it.
Who are these people? Is this how most Americans live? I’m mystified. Do you have any cost-saving tips I could actually, I don't know, use!??!?!!?