How Did This Happen?
- Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
- Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
- 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
- You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
- You watch the Weather Channel.
- Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break
- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
- You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids
next door won't turn down the stereo.
- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around
- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's
- Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
- You take naps.
- Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning
- Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely
upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
- You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not
condoms and pregnancy tests.
- A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
- You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
- "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never
going to drink that much again."
- 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
- You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
- When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate
her instead of asking "Oh S*$# what the hell happened?"
A few I’d like to add:
- You ponder the wisdom of eating certain foods because they might negatively affect your “dental work.” (The first time I was told I needed a crown (at age 30) I cried in the dentist’s office. Crowns are for grandparents!)
- “Going to a bar” no longer entails waiting in line for 30 minutes.
- Bran cereal, not Pop-Tarts, is your breakfast of choice.
- Going to a bar now means you wear a jacket (and carry a purse) if the weather is below 55 degrees. Back in the day, we’d wait in line in 30 degree weather without coats to get in some stupid bar because once you got in the bar coats were just a huge pain in the ass!
- You’d park 10 miles away and pay 2 bucks for parking. Now you don’t care how much it costs and you valet park, because really. Who wants to walk that far when you’re wearing expensive suede boots?
- You can make yourself extremely nauseous within seconds by thinking about all the times you drank beer out of a bucket (or ate “Hairy Buffalo” out of a giant trash can. Or called Boone's Farm "Boon-ay" and thought you were actually drinking wine. Strawberry Hill? What were we thinking?!!?)
- You no longer understand the appeal or the purpose of “shots.” That goes double for Jell-O Shots.
- A man is no longer a “great guy” simply because he called when he said he would and doesn't hit on your best friend.
- 15 years ago, “He has a lot of baggage” meant he sold drugs out of his dorm room. Now it means, “He has a crazy ex-wife and 4 kids under the age of 10.”
- You actually rather would be warm than fashionable (again, the wearing coats to bars thing).
- You once yelled out your car window at teenage girls, “Zip up your coats! It’s freezing outside! Are you girls crazy!?” And no, I wasn’t drunk when I did this. I think that was the only maternal instinct I ever had.
- You realize that many of today’s college students weren’t even born the year you graduated from high school.
- One of your students, reading from Gloria Steinem’s essay “If Men Could Menstruate” pronounces “Potsie Webber” as Poats-EYE and you realize he has never seen "Happy Days".
- You can no longer rattle off the top 10 videos on MTV – do they even play videos on MTV anymore? Who knows?
- Cosmopolitan magazine is no longer the source of all your reproductive health information and you don't actually keep the "Bedside Astrologer" at your bedside.
- Your haircut and color is not accomplished in your bathroom, with your roommate and a bottle of “Sun-In.”
- You actually have a conversation with a friend that does not involve guys or clothes but does involve property taxes!!
- You no longer have all pizza places' phone numbers memorized or on speed dial.
- "Take out" is sushi or Indian food, not Burger King or McDonald's.
- You have not set foot in a Denny's in years
- "Going out drinking" is no longer considered an activity on its own. I remember college dates that started like this: "What would you like to do? We could go see a movie? Or we could go out drinking?"
- You do not know the "nights" of the local bars. ".85 Bud Light Night," and "Drink & Drown" (tell me that wasn't a lawsuit waiting to happen) and "Dollar Import Night" no longer sound like the fun they once did.
- You no longer hang out with people you hate just because they're a part of your "group." (This is a positive thing, I think.)
- You no longer go out and do something you have absolutely no interest in, simply because doing something, anything, is better than being at home on a Friday night.
- You don't understand how (or why) you used to go out at midnight.
- You think your parents might actually know what the hell they're talking about.
- Friends ask you what you think of their annuals and perrenials, not what you think of their new body piercings.
- Getting together with your best friends requires 3 weeks of e-mails, phone calls and negotiating, while (this is sad) it used to entail a phone call and "Wanna go out in 10 minutes? C'mon - don't wash your hair, who cares!? I'm not even wearing makeup."