Sex Ed in Higher Ed

College instructor teaching human sexuality rants about the dumbing down of America, the lost art of manners, grammar and (the perfect combination of both) the thank you note. Also includes random rants about life, pet peeves, and sometimes raves about favorite things.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Things a Husband Just Should Not Say. Ever.

Most of the time, I think Mr. J. is pretty great. I love him, I'm the luckier one, blah, blah, blah. But nobody's perfect, right? (Sorry, honey. Not even you.) I've been meaning to create this short list as a PSA to the married men who read Teacher Lady's ramblings (primarily Colorado Dale and Zygote Daddy, although I haven't seen him in a while.) Of course, I also have to say I'm sure neither one of you would ever say such things to your dear wives.

Ahem:

1. When your wife has just spent boatloads of cash (which is in short supply anyway, what with the world's biggest kitchen/living room/first floor remodel) on getting her hair colored, cut and highlighted you should NOT say: "I dunno. It kinda looks exactly the same to me." ESPECIALLY when your mother (God rest her soul) was a HAIRDRESSER and you spent the Saturdays of your youth in a hair salon, sweeping hair, putting towels in the dryer and running to get the old blue-haired ladies their coffee. AND you have three sisters. Honey, you should know better.

2. When your wife, who has done nothing resembling exercise, in, oh, I don't know, years, finally is terrified by a glimpse of her upper arms asks, "Honey, where are my hand weights?" you should not ask, "Why?" because you will get the stupid answer I gave you. "I don't know - I thought maybe I'd use them to build the dog a house. Because I want to do my arms video, that's why." Do not make a bad situation worse by saying, "You're going to have to do it more than once, you know." Really? I had NO idea. Here I thought I'd just do it once and then, viola! Angelina Jolie arms. Sheesh.

3. And finally: Even if your wife is a notorious spiller (aside - when I was in fifth grade, my parents got new carpet in the family room. Within the first week, I had spilled soda on it, oh, five times. Accidentally. I was then banned from having liquids in the family room for quite some time. I think I was finally allowed to have beverages with me when I was . . . in tenth grade? I can't quite remember.) , do NOT, under any circumstances, do NOT suggest - even if you just took a whole week of vacation to put in the new floor - that your wife start using a sippy cup. That's just not good politics, my friend.

7 Comments:

Blogger happychyck said...

LMAO! Sippy cup!?!?! Is he still alive after that?

May 27, 2006 11:32 AM  
Blogger Teacher lady said...

Yes, but I just told a friend of mine I have a really strong urge to bounce a sippy cup off of his head.

May 27, 2006 11:54 AM  
Blogger ColoradoCastaway said...

oh shit, I laughed my ass off on this post. I can say with certainty that I have never said any of these things to my Lovely Wife, however I have been known to do some stupid things, I was once ignorant enough to let her give me a haircut after I pissed her off(I cannot recall how), she suckered me in and acted all sweet and then BUZZZZZZZZZZ! I had to go to Supercuts and have it redone afterward. it was some Picasso-esqe version of Vanilla Ice's hairstyle. Oh MY Gob!! I'm thinking a sippy cup full of lead is in order for you, Sorry J gotta side with the Wife on this one. As for your Hair, I'm sure it looks Fabulous!! I bet that new style makes you look 21 all over again.

May 27, 2006 12:13 PM  
Blogger liberalbanana said...

Ha ha -- sippy cups. We weren't allowed to have drinks in the family room at my house either. Now that I'm an adult the rules have lifted, but I'm still on edge every time I bring a glass of water with me to watch TV when I'm visiting my family.

J, you should know better! I mean, my Boyfriend is starting to get grays on his temples but do I dare mention this to him? NO WAY. It's just common sense!

May 30, 2006 11:34 AM  
Blogger Sue said...

Hey, those accidental spills that kids have are the result of childhood spasms. It happens when you least expect it, everything is fine and copacetic and *BAM* a childhood spasm occurs and suddenly there is chocolate milk dripping from the ceiling fan.

So, thinking along those lines, you must have youth on your side because your childhood spasms are still working.

Oh, and P is guilty of committing #1 all the time. I don't think he'd notice unless I dyed it red or shaved it off, and only then because he doesn't like red hair or Sinead O'Conner.

May 30, 2006 12:26 PM  
Blogger zygote daddy said...

How funny. As for me, I'm not really down with the whole lying-to-spare-my-wife's-feelings-thing. So whenever d.w. asks me about anything to which there is no right answer (i.e., anything along the lines of "Does this make me look fat?"), I give the noncommittal answer "I acknowledge that you just said something." At this point, of course, this has become something of a joke, akin to the "no comment" non-denial given by so many busted politicians and celebrities. You know, it's good she doesn't have a blog of her own...

May 31, 2006 6:41 AM  
Blogger Tizzie said...

I LOVE this post.......my ex-husband came out with a few corkers too.............'its a long way from the top of your bottom to the bottom of your bottom' was one of my favourites......then after we split he said....'why couldnt you lose this weight 4 years ago?'!....my reply?.......'why? would have made you less gay????!!!!

June 04, 2006 1:10 PM  

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