This Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You

I'm a NaBloPoMo drop-out. Can I go to summer school? Get the equivalent of a GED?

Those of you who know me IRL know that I can procrastinate like it's nobody's business. In fact, in undergrad, I medaled (gold, thank you) in the procrastination Olympics.

Procrastination in grad school is a different kettle of fish altogether because you're actually expected to be coherent and know stuff. If you want to know the unplanned pregnancy rates of young women in Nigeria, I'm your gal. If you want to know where this blog entry is going or where the hell my car keys are, I have no idea.

Last night while I was driving home, I had this BRILLIANT idea for a blog posting. Truly - it was great. And then this morning I was trying to type it up and it's not the same at all. In fact, it sucks. (And no, I'm not fishing for compliments - too tired to do any sort of fishing.)

But, knowing myself and knowing that two days away from posting could quickly become two weeks and then two months . . . I forced myself to get right back on the wagon. Or the horse. I'm not sure which is the relevant analogy in this case.

This Stupid List I Made Up Last Night that Seemed Really Witty at the Time. It is called:

Really Fun Things about the End of the Semester

• You never really know exactly how much sleep you need to stay awake while driving until you test yourself, right?
• Not only do you know all the names of the toll booth operators, but you have favorites.
• Your dog is always extra excited to see you – largely because she thinks you’re a stranger invading her home.
• All the things that kept your mind swirling in a mad cyclone of angst – the war in Iraq, the 3% drop in the average home price, Gilmore Girls going completely in the toilet – they no longer upset you. Mostly because you can’t remember what upsets you. Actually, life seems pretty damn great! From what you can remember of it.
• No sleep + no food = pants falling off of you during your presentation. It’s educational! It’s risqué! No, it’s two types of public humiliation at once!
• For the first time ever, you can truly understand how people fall asleep while driving. (Mom, I hope you’re not reading this! Look away! Look away from the computer!) It’s important to develop empathy for others, right?
• You are now intimately familiar with all the stupid “energy” drinks – Red Bull, Rock Star, Tommy Lee on ‘Roids, whatever – and when dining out you can make good recommendations about what type of high-fructose corn syrup goes with what. Your friends are really impressed!
• You realize that coherent thoughts are highly overrated.
• You save lots of money on alcohol because you don’t need to drink – you can already fall asleep while standing up.
• Your students’ papers begin to make sense. A lot of sense. Finally.
• After spending hours each day in the car (sensing a theme, here?) and listening to the radio station that plays “All Christmas, All the damn time,” you realize the song “We Need a Little Christmas” is really deep. It’s got, like, secret meanings and stuff. No, really.
• You’ve lost the will to make obscene gestures at bad drivers. Sleep deprivation is making you a better human being!
• Being awake at 3:00 a.m. gives the mind time to explore complex issues. Like WHY is there now Secret deodorant with “sparkles”? It’s not enough for that area to be clean-shaven and stink-free, now it has to be glittery, too?
• Except for wondering about glittery armpits, by and large, self-maintenance has become a thing of the past. After all, in some cultures, enormous eyebrows and bloody cuticles are considered sexy. Right? Right!?!
• You compile a lame list of things that aren’t really funny and make sense to no one but you and post them on your blog.