Sex Ed in Higher Ed

College instructor teaching human sexuality rants about the dumbing down of America, the lost art of manners, grammar and (the perfect combination of both) the thank you note. Also includes random rants about life, pet peeves, and sometimes raves about favorite things.

Monday, August 20, 2007

We're Crazy, Y'all!

One of my favorite moments in that train wreck of the Matt Lauer interview of Britney Spears was when one Mr. Lauer questions Britney's parenting skills because she didn't put poor little "reserve your room in rehab now" Sean Preston in a car seat and instead, drove with him on her lap.

Her response: "We're country, y'all!" And then she proceeded to tell Matt Lauer how by the time he was 15 her younger brother had been life-flighted to the hospital, three - oh, maybe four times. And I wanted to reach through the television screen, hold out my hand so she could spit her gum in it and shake her, hard, saying, "You're not SUPPOSED to get life-flighted to the hospital, ever, really - and especially not when you're a kid! That is NOT normal. Do not use your childhood as a yardstick for acceptable parenting behavior."

But yesterday, that same phrase popped into my head - except instead of "We're country, y'all," it was "We're crazy, y'all!"

Friday, Mr. J. attempted to chop down this hideous shrub-like growth-thing in front of our house. But instead of hitting the root of the shrub-like thing, he hit a yellow jackets’ nest. That was fun. Have you ever seen one of those cartoons where the bees are so mad that they form into a giant arrow and start chasing Yogi Bear (or some other hapless victim?). It was kind of like that. Luckily, he (Mr. J., not Yogi Bear) only got stung twice.

Yesterday, we went to our home-away-from-home (that would be the aptly named Home Depot) and bought some environmentally toxic bee/hornet/wasp killer. We were instructed by both the can and the Home Depot guy to wait until late at night or early in the morning to use it b/c all the yellows would be snoozin’ in their nest.

Of course, Mr. J. - like many men - listens to no one – including me. I told him to follow the directions on the can and listen to what the guy at Home Depot said and wait until dark to get at the nest, but of course – why listen to me, an insect repellent manufacturer or the guy at Home Depot?

He insisted that yesterday, since it was cool and raining, they were all probably “napping.” (This man is one of the most intelligent people I know. Why would he assume that yellow jackets “nap” when it rains? Do insects even nap, period? ) My job was to stand behind him waving a saw (don’t ask) and try to “protect him” from the yellow jackets if they got near him. Because, you know, when a yellow jacket wakes up from a nap, nothing scares it more than a woman waving a saw.

Honestly, we could have been on America ’s Funniest Home videos except I didn't think there was anything funny about it at that moment. And also we forgot to ask anyone to videotape us. We looked like drunk white trash. I’m sure our neighbors were very amused. And at that moment, I thought of Britney and wanted to shout out to our new neighbors, "We're Ka-RA-ZEEE, y'all!"

But I digress. Of COURSE the yellows were NOT napping and OF COURSE they came flying out of the nest, probably saying, “We’re mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore!” And yet -when they first flew out of the nest, Mr. J. actually said, "See? They were napping. See how slow and lethargic they are?" Dude. That is not slow and lethargic. That is pissed the hell off and they were just calling their other yellow jacket friends so they could kick Mr. J.'s ass even more effectively.

Mr. J. looked over his shoulder at me, said, "Do I have any on me?" and when I responded, "No", he advanced toward the shrub and all the yellow jackets swarming around it, trying to spray the poisonous liquid/gas directly at individual yellow jackets. They (as you might have anticipated) did not appreciate this. I said, “I’m out of here”, and started running for the back of the house. So much for standing by my man.

The shrub and the yellow jackets? All perfectly fine and exactly where nature put them many months (or years) ago. Mr. J. and Teacher Lady? Jury's still out.



Blogger Art Nerd said...

*blink blink* *rubs eyes*

yes, I am resorting to the tired internet convention of narrating what I'm doing between two stars, just to express my delight and surprise that? You're back? omg yay!

And what of Minnie the biting wonderdog?

August 20, 2007 7:10 PM  
Blogger Veronica Mitchell said...

Great story. Actually, a nightmarish story, but great, too.

Our place is infested with carpenter ants. The bug man came out this week and sprayed his nasty but necessary chemicals, and it only seemed to anger them. They are everywhere. Yick.

August 20, 2007 9:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

teacher lady, i am SO glad you're back! stories like this make so happy. i mean i'm sorry you had to deal with yellow jackets, of course. and it would have been better if there were no yellow jacktes in your bush, but anyway, you know what i'm saying. so in conclusion: a) i am so happy you're blogging! and b)i do not wish yellow jacket harm on your or mr. j.

August 21, 2007 12:02 AM  
Blogger Fraulein N said...

Awww, that's kind of precious that he thought they were "napping." Precious and crazy. :-)

August 21, 2007 5:01 PM  
Blogger Shawnee said...

I suppose it is very, very wrong that this made me laugh out loud. I swear it is only because I have absolutely no problem envisioning my husband & I enacting the same scenario. Why don't they listen?

August 24, 2007 8:56 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

Holy CRAP,... that has to be the funniest insect-related story I've ever read.

P.S. Glad you're back.

August 24, 2007 10:22 AM  
Blogger Audrey said...

Sorry about the late comment, but I'm playing catch-up with my google reader. I normally am too embarrassed to comment on posts more than a week after they're published, but I had to break my rule for this one.

My husband recently volunteered to take care of some wasp nests at his mom's house. When his mom and sisters put forth the theory that this should be done at night when the wasps are sleeping, he told them that was ridiculous. Then he went out on the roof with a tennis racket and a wasp-smashing board (no wasp spray, you'll notice). I made him promise not to flail and fall off the roof. He said, "I'm not going to fall off the roof, silly!" (to which I said, "nobody ever THINKS they're going to fall off the roof!") He tried to squish the nest with his board, and the wasps were PISSED. He tried batting them away with a tennis racket, but, see, tennis rackets have holes in them. And wasps can fly through holes. He flailed but did not fall, got stung only once, and came back inside. The wasp nest remained intact.

What is it with these husbands?

September 11, 2007 5:57 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home