As It Turns Out . . .

You can shop yourself a little happy!

I have been in an absolutely stinkin'-foul mood the past two weeks, for reasons I won't go into at the moment. But I'll give you a hint: Have I mentioned how much I hate moving? Because I hate it with the "red-hot heat of a thousand suns." And have I mentioned how many times I've moved since 2002? Three. That's right, three. Grrr . . .

In an effort to feel better, rather than eating or drinking myself into a zen-like state, I decided to accomplish a zen-like state via shopping. And you know what? I think it worked. Check out my new patent leather red pumps. Is there anything more appropriate for a sex educator to wear on the first day of class? I think not.

Savior, thy name is Nordstrom.

In Honor of Thumper's Father

When I was just a wee lass, one of the first movies I ever saw was Bambi. I must have really liked it, because my parents were always asking me, "Now remember: What did Thumper's father say?" And of course, for those of you who missed this important staple of childhood brainwashing the answer is, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Does anyone besides me find it ironic that that was one of the earliest lessons my parents tried to teach me? And clearly, it didn't stick? I'm more of the Claree Belcher from Steel Magnolias mindset: "If you can't say anything nice about somebody, come and sit by me."

But, even I am exhausted from all the snarkiness and negativity as of late, so I decided to say some nice things about . . . some nice things. Note: This will not be like the O list from Oprah magazine. Because the "O list" ('a few things I think are just neat-o' or whatever) is just off-the-charts obnoxious. Who can afford napkin rings that are $425 - EACH!?! Or the $695 Burberry purse on her "Christmas gift suggestions for 2005" list? C'mon, Oprah! Put down the crack pipe and remember your humble roots.

A few things I (Teacher Lady) think are just neat-o:

• The new Haagen Dazs Mayan chocolate ice cream. This is a big deal for me to write this, because I am not a chocolate addict. As you may recall, I like cheap, crappy, sugary candy like SweetTarts and Sour Patch kids. But this new ice cream? A true "must have."
• The Starbucks Green Tea Latte. Yummy and refreshing!
• This lipstick. It's heavier than a lipgloss, yet not quite a lipstick. It is the perfect combination of both. I like the Chai Love You color. Great for summer!
• If you, like me, are entering perimenopause, and happen to be bewildered by the sudden freaking out of your once-clear skin, I have found the solution: Not too drying, not too moisturizing. The Goldilocks of acne-prone skin: Aveeno Clear Complexion Foaming Cleanser.
• For the angry blemish that happens to bust through security, I highly recommend this: A bit pricey, but totally worth it and it lasts a long time.
• Looking for the perfect quick summer read and just as irritated with the complete and total disappearance of manners as moi? Then here, my friends, is the book for you! Oh, how I wish I'd written it myself.
• I'm sorry, I don't care how skanky you think Christina Aquilera is. Her new song is amazing. Lordy, that girl has pipes!
• Is your air conditioner broken? Then head to your local Multiplex and take in The Devil Wears Prada. Will it win any Oscars? No, of course not. But it has Meryl Streep and fashion. The clothes! The bags! The shoes, oh my gob, the shoes! It's like a red-white-and-blue popsicle for the mind. No nutritional value and not something you'd want to taste every single day, but perfect for that hot summer day. Or you can just watch the trailers over and over. I do.

And, as Meryl Streep says (playing the terrifying Miranda Priestly), "That's all."

Furby!

Here is one thing I thought I'd never do again: Buy clogs. Last night, good-husband-man took me shopping for jeans and shoes, as an anniversary present. This is indicative of his infinite patience, as I find jean shopping only slightly less humiliating than bathing suit shopping and just as frustrating. Then, after we found jeans that fit (and I wasn't too embarrassed to ask for; I mean, $178 jeans at Cache!? Even I can't justify a purchase like that. Plus, I'm not 22 and I don't live in California), we went to find new "If you just have to run out and get your husband a sandwich" shoes that would also complement my new jeans. His math/spatial awareness thing really came in handy, because I have been married to this man for almost 3 years and I never had any idea his shoe-shopping skills were so "fierce" - as Tyra Banks would say. We (or really, he) bought two pairs, both of them very clog-like in their presentation. Now here is a question and if I thought Amalah would get to my question (babies can be kind of time consuming you know), I would ask for her ass-vice: Exactly what sock does one wear with a clog? Does one wear a sock with a clog? It has been in the low 20s with an extremely brutal windchill, lately. The last time I wore clogs, I was 10, and I wore them with some stylin' white knee socks that also happened to have a sort of cable knit pattern. I don't think this is a good idea, but then I am new to the clog-renaissance, so maybe it is a good idea? What should I wear with my new clogs? (Style name: Furby.)

My Life is Complete

One of my colleagues welcomed me back to school with a gift. My very own Jesus action figure, complete with glow-in-the-dark hands. If you want to buy your very own Prince of Peace, you can get yourself some salvation at entertainmentearth.com. Our Savior retails for only $12.99. My colleague is aware of my obsession with a little website called Jesus of the Week, which has served as relief from Corporate America tedium for more years than I can count.

Anyway, this is ALL very ironic, largely due to the student who e-mailed me just the other day. It turns out, I should have been scared by the Jesus reference at the bottom of her e-mail.

Nothing is worse than a know-it-all who doesn't really know it all. The first week of class, we discuss Chapter 1 - sort of an overview on sexuality. One of the things the authors of the text discuss is the impact Christianity has had on the Western world's take on sex. Of course, the authors write about Paul of Tarsus and how he believed celibacy was the key to spirituality, and if you weren't at all interested in controlling your baser urges, then at least have sex only within the confines of marriage. First of all, this student is a senior. Her brother is a freshman. They sat WAY too close to each other (in a Friends "The One with the Inappropriate Sister" episode kind of way) and whispered and conferred with each other on everything I said. I kind of felt like I was in a debate. So, sister raises her hand and says, "Um, I'm not really familiar with that take on the Bible. I don't really think that's true. The Lord told us to be fruitful and multiply."Why, why, WHY doesn't my brain work faster than it does? I should have said, "Well, we're just interested in our authors' take on the Bible, so let's stick with that." Instead I get all flustered (as usual) and start stammering and stuttering about how that's certainly interesting, but I'm not a theology expert, and blah, blah, blah. THEN I continue with the text notes and talk about Eve (as in Adam and Eve) as the "ultimate temptress" and how some speculate that the real original sin was not eating a fruit from the tree of Knowledge, but taking Knowledge in its more, um, Biblical meaning. As in, "Adam knew Eve in the Biblical sense." I am interrupted from my lecture by frantic whispering - Bible sibs are muttering to each other so quickly, I start to wonder if I'm in actual physical danger of some sort. Hand shoots up in the air. "Um, that's not at all true. In fact, I've NEVER heard that." Why can't I say, "Really? Well, I don't care and clearly you don't get out much." Then, to top it all off, they come traipsing up to my office so inappropriate brother can get a syllabus, and much to my horror, I completely forgot about my totally politically incorrect, intolerant, inappropriate Jesus Action Figure. Oy.